We all have a story and for those of you who are introverts you will probably relate to much of what I’ve been through. For those of you who are extroverts, this will give you some insight as to what it’s like to grow up introverted – especially confusing when you don’t even know what it means or why you are different.
In elementary school I had a few close friends, raised my hand in class ( me! me!! ME!!!), chased the boys and on almost every report card got a bad grade in “Citizenship” because I talked too much! A typical kid in some ways but although I spent some of my time at school with friends, I was just as likely to walk around the playground by myself during recess or disappear into the library during lunch where I could sit in the corner and immerse myself in a good book.
In junior high and high school my friends and I hung out, went to movies and did things like all the other kids. I thought I was just like everyone else…..so how come every time we went to Disneyland I got up and almost threw up? Why did I make up excuses to my friends to avoid shopping at the mall…. going to the movies…… or anything involving being around lots of people ? I avoided joining most activities, steered clear of after school clubs and found almost any reason to dodge group gatherings. When teachers called on me in class I felt clammy and slightly out of breath. Talking one-on-one was never a problem even in the most public places but in groups of 5 or more I completely shut down and my brain was like a blank screen.
I went to my first real party around age 21 – it was to be “the event”! A Halloween Bash with outrageous costumes, real cocktails and delicious food and many of my high school friends would be there. I had been incredibly excited to go until a few days before the date. Suddenly the thought of going made me want to cry and I felt so agitated inside I could hardly stand it. My agitation made it impossible to decide on a costume so I procrastinated until I was forced to wear my fiance’s baseball uniform……ugh. Everything was going wrong – or at least that was my perception. I was overwhelmed, upset and confused at myself and my feelings. By the time we arrived at the party the thought of being with all those people was literally making me ill so I headed straight to the nearest sofa, parked myself and stayed there the rest of the night. The excitement of receiving the invitation had given way to dread and even though I went (with much prodding from my fiance) the only people I spoke to were the ones who joined me on the sofa.
What was wrong with me? Why did it seem that everyone around me was having fun at party’s and gatherings but I was miserable? Why could I be so gregarious with a few friends but utterly silent when too many people were around? I was pretty sure I wasn’t shy and absolutely sure I wasn’t timid. In small groups I was talkative, insightful, funny and able to carry on a normal conversation. But what was it about bigger groups that left me shaking, scared and breathless.
By the time I was 29 I was making my way in the great big world after a divorce left me a single parent. There were so many things I had to do that there was no time to “evaluate myself” or work on “self-improvement” – I had to be a parent, chauffeur, run errands, shop, cook, volunteer and work! The symptoms I experienced when in groups of people continued but I was learning to manage it – I had no choice. Moving up at work required me to attend conferences and speak at meetings. There were many times my boss – the Vice President – got laryngitis, forcing me to give her presentation to the Executive Committee (you know – the Chairman,President, etc…..gulp). I always suspected that the thought of being in front of all those people literally brought on laryngitis! Then I was asked to do some training that started with me giving presentations to a handful of people but within a short time had me training 20, 30 or more at a time! Although I still got clammy and a bit breathless I was learning to control the worst symptoms and doing it fairly successfully…….so why was it that after a few months of my hectic schedule there would be a weekend morning I just couldn’t get up. I felt drained, overwhelmed, like a dead battery. I would finally drag myself out of bed, get going and start the process all over again only to have the same thing happen a few months later.
Then in my 40’s my adult son gave me a book that forever changed how I viewed myself and the world around me, The Introvert Advantage by Dr. Marti Olsen Laney. From the moment I started reading the introduction fireworks were going off in my brain – THIS IS ME!!!! SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS ME!!!! – and I read the entire book in record time! Finally, there were answers about who I was and why I felt and acted as I did. Even answers to questions I had never thought about. Finally I was free from the nagging doubts that had been in my mind my entire life and I felt like I fit somewhere…..like I was “normal”.
So what is an introvert? Many people think it means being shy or timid – but that is absolutely not the case. Here’s one definition from About.com
Definition: Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.
Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to “recharge.”
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In an article entitled “Caring For Your Introvert” in the Atlantic Magazine by Jonathan Rauch he asks the following: “Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?
If so, do you tell this person he is “too serious,” or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out? If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands”
We introverts are unique and aren’t always easy for the extroverted world to understand but we are most certainly worth the effort! Stay tuned to my next blog where we’ll look at the differences between introverts and extroverts (or as Dr Laney calls them Innies and Outies)!
